15 Hilarious Pics Of Drunk NFL Stars
Ever since carbohydrates were cultivated, humans have enjoyed fermented beverages. From the ancient Greeks and their famous wine, to the pillaging Early Modern Pirates with their rum, and the more recent college co-ed beer double fister. People of all walks of life have gulped down alcohol. Inevitably, as the various spirits’ affects on the body are felt, inebriation sets in. For the beer pong athlete taking a break, to become inebriated means to get drunk. Wasted. Slammed. S faced. Many people forget, but professional athletes and celebrities are humans too. With the Kardashians and their ilk dominating the Red Carpets, it may be hard to remember said people are of species Homo Sapiens. However, as the title suggests, this article narrows its’ core concept from drunk celebrities, to drunk athletes, and ends up focusing on drunk NFL stars. Before reading further, a warning if under 21, don’t try this at home, or anywhere. If over 21, seriously, ONLY do this at home, alone, with no one in reach, except maybe someone to sop up your dinner which has been spattered all over the nearest wall. So, without further ado, The Sportster and this author present the gut bustingly funny photographs of NFL pros who imbibed a bit too much intoxicants.
- BEN ROETHLISBERGER
Oh Ben. Big Ben. The quarterback who has become synonymous with the modern Pittsburgh Steelers, Super Bowl Wins, and reckless motorcycle antics. Thus, it comes as no surprise that our first entry on this fond trip down Internet memory lane is exit 15 Ben Roethlisberger. Any professional player inevitably becomes a celebrity when success comes his or her way. Mr. Roethlisberger of course is no different. Having been to college and been a star on his football team, Big Ben knew what to expect when the beer starting flowing and his head started getting fuzzy. But, unlike most, Ol’ Benny was in the spotlight as a star QB. So, instead of just a drunk Facebook post, his ugly mug was plastered all over the Interwebs. Of course, anyone with a sense of humor can see why.
- CHRIS JOHNSON
For Chris Johnson, the ‘hood was not all good when a lucky bystander caught his cigar wielding drunken strut and preserved it forever in 0s and 1s. While the patriotism in his apparel may be commended, his decision to wear said shirt when he could easily regurgitate his dinner on Old Glory isn’t. Also, why is he near a car in his condition Seriously, people need to think before they drink. Designated drivers were invented for a reason. Luckily, as far as this author can tell, Johnson’s only injury was self-inflicted. That was of course an injury to his pride. The former first round draft pick wasn’t in prime shape to rush for any TD’s when this pic was taken. Cardinals fans, just remember, you get hammered occasionally too. And some of you smoke cigars. But seriously Chris, Tony Montana didn’t drink and smoke at the same time. Also, think of the children!
- MATT LEINART
An NFL bust could easily be driven to drink. Just ask Matt Leinart. He was supposed to be the next in the long line of franchise quarterbacks picked in the first round. The Heisman Trophy he won supposedly was foreshadowing his future greatness. The Arizona Cardinals were banking on his prowess when they selected him 10th overall in the 2006 NFL Draft. This picture shows what happens when potential is wasted and when college awesome becomes NFL epic fail. So, Matt Leinart will go down in history as a bad player. But the silver lining is that he is a hilarious drunk. I mean, how would you feel if you were that smiling girl in the picture I shudder to even contemplate such a fate. The girl on the right is correct as she stares into the camera and dares it to say anything bad about her. She knows that Matt Leinart isn’t worth it. But the girl who was smiling, she probably was just having a good time. At least, we hope so. Matt, please tell us you went home stag. We’ll all feel better.
- MATT SCHAUB
Weddings can be BORING. I mean, if you barely know the bride andor groom, it can even be quite awkward. Also, the service beforehand. It can be REALLY LONG. Plus, smartphone usage is discouraged. So, it isn’t uncommon for almost everyone to get totally black out drunk at the receptionparty. This is obviously the route Atlanta Falcons’ QB Matt Schaub took when this photo was taken. You can tell, he doesn’t know what’s going on. If you asked him who his go-to receiver was, he’d probably tell you Andre Johnson, NOT Julio Jones. The third round draft pick probably was on his fifth or sixth round of shots. You can see his eyes reflect the camera’s light like a dog’s does. Mr. Schaub, you shouldn’t want to look like a dog, or a deer in the cell phone flashes’ headlights. Let’s hope this wasn’t anyone’s wedding you care very much about, because the album pics of you aren’t to be flattering at all. But, they sure are funny!
- SEAN WEATHERSPOON
Playing bartender can be fun. Handing out free drinks, getting people to suck up to you, it’s a powerful feeling. It’s powerful, especially if you’re an NFL star and a mainstay in the Atlanta Falcons’ defense. So, when Franklin De’Sean “Sean” Weatherspoon got his big chance to be a bartender, he took it with gusto. One lucky recipient of free booze took to Twitter saying “Sean Weatherspoon is fed up…serving free crown to me so that’s cool #gtfu.” That hashtag indeed is on the money. Sean, grow the f up. Flipping the double bird to Twitter tweeters isn’t the best way to make the big bucks on the gridiron. It just makes you look stupid. Now, looking stupid isn’t uncommon. It’s just that, you, well, ARE uncommon. Sean, you were drafted above fellow famous drunk Rob Gronkowski. Being compared to the Gronk in any terms except football talent isn’t something to aspire to. Mr. Weatherspoon, you seem to party like the Gronkster. All you need is a cruise ship and more lady friends and you’d fit right in. However, you should be proud that your antics still make people laugh while looking at your shirtless body and your carefree middle fingers rising high above the rest in a proud f you salute to the world!
- DASHON GOLDSON
Poor Mr. Goldson. After traveling twice to Hawaii and the Pro Bowl with the 49ers, and a career high 110 tackles with the Redskins last season, he was released in March, along with notables such as Robert Griffin III so the Washington Redskins could save cap space. If they saw this picture, it might have made it much easier. He looks really spaced out. Should he really be holding that expensive looking bottle of spirits Methinks the answer be nay. I don’t know what the other guy in the photo is thinking, but smiling next to a man who could either puke, pass out, or both at any moment shouldn’t make anyone especially giddy. Jagged glassshards hurt, and liquor stains don’t come out easily from formal wear. Dashon Gordon, when you sign with another team, please don’t hold up big bottles of booze when you yourself are full of the stuff.
- PLAXICO BURRESS
Before Plaxico Burrress shot himself, he was famous for partying hard. Hell, even after he shot himself I bet he partied hard. The former Steeler and Giant enjoyed getting hammered and then showing off his beautiful smile. Maybe if you photoshopped on Beyonce’s face with Plaxico’s smile it MIGHT work, but I doubt it. Drunkenness does not make great role models, or fashion models, but it does make great humor in the way people look and the things they do when alcohol has control of their functions. Such is what happened when Mr. Burress decided to give a potential dentist a photo to put on his or her wall. That smile after all IS filled with shiny bright teeth. It’s just the face looks so out of it. For anyone who was surprised Plaxico shot himself, just look at this photo and there is no doubt he must have been at least a little tipsy when the trigger was accidentally pulled. Plaxico, your picture should also go on a DARE photo. “Hey kids, this is what happens when you get drunk. You look stupid, act stupid, and sometimes even shoot yourselves with your own gun. So remember, don’t drink and pack heat.” ‘Nuff said.
- JAY CUTLER
Oh, Mr. Cutler. What to say You’ve never really lived up to your potential. With both the Broncos and the Bears, you came so close. Hey, at least you are still playing, unlike the person you were traded for, Kyle Orton. Mr. Orton is also on this list, but he looks even more funny. Plus, Orton was partying like the Gronk before Gronk was known as a massive party animal. Anyways Jay Cutler, you really look out of it in this pic. NFL quarterbacks are supposed to be good role models, but neurologically disabled children don’t want to see their role models remind them of themselves. Mr. Cutler, think of the children, and the fans, and the NFL. Do you really want to make the NFL look like it’s insensitive to the serious obstacles mentally and neurologically impaired individuals face Hilarious your imitation of autism may be, but Jay, for shame. Autism is not a laughing matter. But, your photo certainly is.